Amber

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So if you can't tell I'm not much in the mood for blogging.  However, I've totally noticed a drop in my scripture study effectiveness and then a drop in my spirituality over just the last few days. Also a drop in my happiness and since I know they are all connected I've made an effort today. Same goals as last time but too lazy to write them right now. 

The first part of the week has been me keeping busy with Mom and Chad and of course Grandma.  I didn't learn anything spectacular and I didn't do any crafting.  My goal progress was great for one evening, I went to bed at 10:30.  Other than that it has been bad.  I realized the day before yesterday that even though it is my goal I never actually plan on going to bed at that time.  It is more of a "let's see how I feel and what is happening" attitude.  I will confess yesterday I planned to go to bed at a certain time but started a game 30 mins before I was to get off.  Quite a stupid move which I have acknowledged.  I was up until 11 because I was trying to do too many things (the story of my life) in the game in preparation for the next time I got on.  Unfortunately I haven't been keeping my phone out of my room and I was up even later on youtube.  This of course has to stop so I am keeping my phone out again and I plan on going to bed on time tonight.

Friday:

* Another confession.  I have recently realized that I have a deep seated and strong fear of being responsible.  I discovered it while doing some energy work on my financial issues and then it cropped up again yesterday while doing work on my health.  I didn't realize it was a big thing until this morning when I was reading the scriptures about those who inherit the celestial kingdom.  I noticed I was having some strong feelings about it that were all stressful.  I realized that a lot of what was said in that part of the section were things I didn't want to have to deal with.  I didn't want to be like God because that is a lot of responsibility and that feels very scary, I'd rather someone else make the decisions and I can just follow them.  Usually I can talk myself out of those things by explaining and reassuring myself.  However, the resistance was so strong that I didn't make any headway and gave up rather quickly.  I will have to do some journaling to get to the bottom of it and luckily I now have some tools and resources to directly address that type of thing.  That does sound rather negative but I did actually find something that gave me some peace.  First I know God wants me to overcome that fear and receive everything he has, second I know that Christ came and made it possible for me to attain that, and third D&C 132:23 "But if ye receive me in the world, then shall ye know me, and shall receive your exaltation; that where I am ye shall be also." This is comforting, I know God and the Savior love me and I would like to live with them and come to know them better.  They will help me overcome all my fears and will never give me something that I can't handle with their assistance and guidance.
  • Despite the poor night I am feeling happy and have enough energy to start the day.  Though yesterday was the same way and I crashed mentally long before I went to bed.  However I also did a lot of good stuff in the morning so that is the plan today.
  • Yay I went to bed earlier than 11!
Saturday:

* I did some work on my fear yesterday and I will confess it was a bit exhausting.  I really only just took a jab at it, I still have to address it thoroughly and just that short 15 mins or so was very overwhelming.  It is really strong!  Though it must have done something because today I read the celestial part of section 76 over again and I feel much better.  I focused on only looking for the blessings/help we receive from God and I thought I'd list some here.
    • washed and cleansed from sins
    • given the Holy Ghost
    • given all things into our hands
    • subdues all enemies for us
    • made perfect
    • live with God
Some of the others were the stressful ones but I really like the sound of these above.

Comments

  1. AimeeJuly 12, 2021 at 6:42 PM

    I love when you find something that is hard for yourself. Not because it is enjoyable, but because you have pinpointed something tangible that can corrected. Keep going!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. CelffmeJuly 17, 2021 at 9:28 AM

      Oh I find plenty of enjoyable things too, maybe I should focus more on those positives because I find enough stuff that needs fixing.

      Delete

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